I think some changes are in order for me. I’ve been really debating what I should do with myself lately. Guess I’m feeling a little unfulfilled or bored or something. There has got to be more to life than my normal activities, which include debating the merits of Battlestar Galactica and trying to synchronize my orgasms with internet porn, which I’ve affectionately named the “Jerk off Olympics.” (The only difference is the rings in my logo are cock rings…) Of course, the first thing one usually thinks about when they need a life change is a change of occupation. I could see that being possible, but what’s a guy to do? I mean, according to social stereotypes, I only have so many options. Let’s consider them:
Hair Stylist: This is a job I would get fired from…fast. There are way too many gingers in the world, and when they came for a cut I would tell them that their hair is a nuisance and to shave it off. Even the women.
Fashion: No. I’ve seen enough of the fashion world, and it doesn’t interest me in the slightest. I’m sure anybody that knows me can tell that I don’t give a shit if my underwear say Calvin Klein or Fruit of the Loom. Why would I invest so much time in something that’s just going to end up on the floors of bedrooms all across the city?
Waiter: I’ve tried my hand at this already as well. I told myself that I would never touch another person’s food again. For starters, I’m not keen on the fake niceness that goes along with this job. The only time I’m willing to fake anything Not to mention you’re usually working for chump change, and most people in the restaurant are trying to fuck each other. Add a pole, subtract your clothes and you might as well be a stripper. You’ll make better tips.
Obviously none of those things are going to work. I thought about trying to get famous, but I’m not nearly coordinated enough to teach myself the “Single Ladies” dance, so there goes another idea out the door. But in seriousness, I’ve also been considering the option of volunteer work. I think that I’d like to do something with children, seeing as I usually get along with kids (as long as I can hand them off to someone else eventually.) I think I can mesh well with kids because we’re kind of in the same mindset. I’m like a big kid, so I can level with them. Minus my mouth, because if any child talked like me they’d probably be institutionalized. (Note to self: watch mouth around the little people.) Melissa’s niece said that I was her favorite person in the world because I make funny faces. So apparently kids like me. But it should also be noted that when first asked who her favorite person was, she replied “Michael Jackson.” Just to recap, I come in second to a dead white woman with no nose and a drug problem.
Really? I'm second to this?
Quotes:
“Porn gets me through my relationship.”
“Why do all people with dreadlocks have dogs?”
“You’re like an Irish Fairy.”
“You should never spill anything on a pool table because there shouldn’t be a drink on the pool table.”
No comments:
Post a Comment