I am officially on information overload this week, but, damn, that is a GREAT thing! I’ve had something new to focus on, and for the first time in three months, I’ve felt pure excitement over something. It’s amazing how much I didn’t realize how upset I had been over recent happenings (Michael’s death, Maria’s death, and recent crap at work).
At one point in my little beratement session with my supervisor last week, she said that people had said that I have been acting blank, staring into space, like I’m not really there. And despite her cruel intentions, I know it’s true. I remember being at work when I read the story that Michael was finally going to be buried on his birthday (which turned out to be false), and I burst into tears. It’s just so bizarre that he is not here. When Maria died, I don’t know how I kept myself together. Seeing her partner, Amy, at the memorial was absolutely heart wrenching. It absolutely kills me that someone so young (30s) could have to deal with breast cancer for several years and then succumb to it. The world is not fair, and I don’t pretend to understand how it works. I don’t think I want to understand.
I found out this week that a co-worker of mine was diagnosed with cervical cancer. She ended up quitting, because she was going to be off for awhile for the treatment (and she had issues with our supervisor, too). It’s rather scary, because just six months ago I was dealing with pre-cancerous cervical treatments. I go back in a month. I hope I’m in the clear. I just can’t describe the feeling in your body when you get a phone call telling you need to come in because your test results aren’t normal. I’m a nurse, and I’m trained to stay calm; yet I still got that hot flash of panic throughout my body. I’m only 28-years-old. My coworker is in her early 30s. I’ve seen way too many people ravaged by cancer. In critical care, I see people at the worst possible moments in their lives. It gives you a unique perspective on life.
I was told, recently, by someone I really admire, that I have a very positive attitude. It made me think. I guess, overall, I do. Granted, I have my moments of being pissed off, swearing like a sailor, and general disgust with the world at large (or someone in particular, it varies!). After everything that I have been through in my life (and much help to process all of it), I think I made the conscious decision to approach life in this way. When I was in my late teens/early twenties and really baring the brunt of it all, I was convinced that I would die before the age of 25. I couldn’t see anything past that age. I think that was how bad it got– I couldn’t bear to see the future in my subconscious mind, so that is how it translated.
I think I have a built in survival mechanism that helps me to cope with overload. Dog knows that I didn’t think I would make it through this summer; Yet here it is fall. I can feel the cool, brisk wind rushing over my skin, and I hear the rustle in the changing leaves. I know that I am not the same person I was this spring. Nor certainly the same person I was last fall. I am a different isotope of Erin now.
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